Parents who are experiencing the loss of a baby,
We are so sorry that your baby died. We know first
hand how devastating a miscarriage can be. We are so sorry for all you are going through. We pray daily for those
experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. This is the ministry we felt called
to fulfill. We believe all parents have the right to have delivery options
and to grieve for their child. Parents should be fully informed and not be rushed into any decisions. Of course,
you need to listen to your doctor’s advice. Usually, there is time to make many of
the decisions you will need to make. We would like to make a few recommendations that we
hope will help you as you greive and heal. You can find these recommendations below
Blessings and healing,
and Jim Murphy
We would like to make a few suggestions/recommendations:
1. It is not unusual for a mother to carry a
child who is died for three to four weeks before she naturally passes their child. The mother may not
know the baby has died for a couple of weeks, until she starts to bleed and has an ultrasound
confirming the baby's death. During this time between finding out that her child has
died and when she delivers is a time she can prepare herself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
See link for more info below.
2. Name your baby and call them by name
Take your time making decisions and discuss options with your husband before finalizing
4. Know that testing may be able to
check for chromosomal abnormalities from the placenta and umbilical so the baby would not be required for chromosomal
5. You can and should
set boundaries. People may say “the wrong thing” forgive their ignorance and
tell them your boundaries.
6. Know that grieving is hard work and it takes time so don’t
try and rush it.
7. Journal your thoughts.
By journaling, you can release some stress, create memories and promote healing. Listening
to music related to loss may help during this process.
8. Let others help. Accept meals, help around the house and babysitting.
It is hard enough just to make it through each day. Letting others help you gives them
something they can do when they feel helpless to help you in this situation.
9. Find a support group in your area. You can check with
SHARE or Faces of Loss/ Faces of hope. Also you can check with Loss Doulas International
10. Know that you will always miss your baby but it will
not hurt this bad forever. In time you will find your new normal and laugh and have fun
11. Know that you are not alone. Pregnancy loss is not
that unusual. One in four pregnancies is lost in the first trimester. One in thirty-three
babies die in the second trimester. One in 130 babies die in the third trimester. There
are people who understand how hard this kind of loss is. Try and connect with one of them.
You can ask for a pregnancy loss peer, check with a support group, or ask for a Loss doula to be able to relate to
in this time of sorrow.
Finding the Baby
In order to prevent
the panic of searching through the toilet each time you go to the bathroom, you may want to use a strainer or a small holed
colander. A strainer can be placed below you but above the toilet water each time you go to the bathroom. You
can clean the strainer after each use and keep it in a container right next to the toilet. One would usually start using
the strainer after you start spotting until you pass the baby. This can take several days or even a couple weeks. When
the cramping starts coming regular and the bleeding increases you may want a "hat" urine measurer to place
between the seat and the toilet to measure how much blood is lost to consult with your doctor. Urine and
liquid blood will pass through the strainer while clots, placenta, and the baby should not pass through the strainer. Discern
strainer contents and separate the baby (which is sometimes still in the sack) from the placenta and blood clots.
You may want to refer to a baby/fetal development website to help you learn what the baby will look like (see our Links page).
You may have carried the baby for a while after he/she died, so refer to the age of your baby from your ultrasound when looking
up what you baby should look like. Remember, gestational age is usually two weeks more than weeks from conception
so, be sure to know what reference the book or website is using.
Often the baby comes out whole but, occasionally
the baby has already started to disintegrate and may not be whole. If the baby is whole, you may want to place him/her
in a jar of water to better see his/her beautiful features. Once placed in water, the baby may look more like published
fetal development pictures from in the womb because he/she is suspended in water as he/she was in the womb.