We would like to make a few suggestions/recommendations:
1. In the second trimester, it is not unusual
for a mother to carry a child who is died for three to four weeks before she naturally passes their child. The mother
may not know the baby has died for a couple of weeks, until she starts to bleed and has an ultrasound confirming the baby's
death. In the third trimester, when the lack of movement is more obvious, it is usually only a couple of days before
a mother becomes concerned and goes to the doctor. During this time between finding out that her child has died and when
she delivers is a time she can prepare herself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. See link for more info below.
Make a birth plan for the hospital. It is not written in stone. You can change it but, you may forget your
plans if you do not write them down. Ideas for a birth plan may include many areas as listed below.
3. Decide whether you would prefer to be medicated as to still be able to remember
your time with your baby (which we recommend) or medication that may affect your memory.
4. You may take pictures of your baby.
Bring a separate SD card so they don't show up unexpectantly in the future. Many
people later regret not taking pictures. If your baby was 20 weeks or older there are professional
photographers who do this for free. http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
Spend time with your baby. You will never get this time back.
6. Have keepsakes you can put in a baby book or memory
box (little blankets, caps, hospital bracelets, footprints and
handprints, clay imprints of feet….
7. Let family members, especially siblings
to the baby, say there good byes o when you are up to it.
8. Don’t be afraid to say what you want for
9. Name your baby and call
them by name
your time making decisions and discuss options with your husband before finalizing
11. Know that testing may be able to
check for chromosomal abnormalities from the placenta and umbilical so the baby would not be required for chromosomal testing.
12. You can and should
set boundaries. People may say “the wrong thing” forgive their ignorance and
tell them your boundaries.
13. Know that grieving
is hard work and it takes time so don’t try and rush it.
14. Journal your thoughts. By journaling,
you can release some stress, create memories and promote healing. Listening to music related to loss
may help during this process.
15. Let others help.
Accept meals, help around the house and babysitting. It is hard enough just to make it through each day.
Letting others help you gives them something they can do when they feel helpless
to help you in this situation.
16. Find a support group in your area. You can check with SHARE or Faces of
Loss/ Faces of hope. Also you can check with Loss Doulas International
17. Know that you will always
miss your baby but it will not hurt this bad forever. In time you will find your
new normal and laugh and have fun again.
18. Know that you are not
alone. Pregnancy loss is not that unusual. One in four pregnancies is
lost in the first trimester. One in thirty-three babies
die in the second trimester. One in 130 babies die in the third trimester.
There are people who understand how hard this kind of loss is. Try and connect with one of them.
You can ask for a pregnancy loss peer, check with a
support group, or ask for a Loss doula to be able to relate to
in this time of sorrow.